Starve A Banker

Banks deserve to be protected… Banks are consumers: they consume our life-spendings when we don’t read the fine-print.

Stephen Colbert interviewing Barney Frank

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c Consumer Protection Agency – Barney Frank

Here is my own contribution to the eagerly awaited Restoring American Financial Stability Act.

None of the current provisions in the bill seems to address the crucial problem of “Fat Fingers”. On Thursday May 6, Wall Street may have gotten pretty  close to total collapse because some trader supposedly placed an order to sell billions of shares of Procter and Gamble instead of millions.

With 30% of Americans being now considered overweight, the dangerous proximity of the “B” and “M” keys on computer keyboards has been a ticking bomb for quite some time.

Go ahead, check your own keyboard right now: the letter “N” is the only line of defense protecting the financial world from certain failure.
Can we keep counting on this single-letter levee to avoid future disasters?

Worse! Extend your keyboard inspection to the vicinity of the letter B and be very afraid…

A fat finger still greasy from a lunch of hamburger and fries quickly swallowed at the trader’s desk to save time and keep those bonuses up, could result in Trillions, not to mention Gazillions, of shares or dollars being ordered to change hands.

It is not a question of if, but when Armageddon will strike.

Unless we take some serious and immediate action.

This is where my suggested Fat Finger Amendment comes in:

Keycaps shall immediately be re-arranged with the four letters M, B, T and G relegated to each of the far corners of all computer keyboards.

Steve Jobs, please order your software engineers to patch the virtual keyboard software of iPads and iPhones right away.

Frankly, I was quite taken aback when I saw all the media buzz around “Kwedit” in the otherwise serious financial and payments trade press a few weeks ago.

While many of us are busy devising new products and services that allow people to be more responsible with their money, Kwedit essentially encourages young users to buy virtual goods with money they don’t have yet.

This is introduced the exact same month when the CARD Act finally starts making credit cards less accessible to users less than 21 year old with the hope of curbing student debt and reducing the abuse of young users by big card companies.

Given the pedigree of the founders and investors, there is no doubt that Kwedit will execute nicely on a product that is not only useless, but is pro-actively contributing to the disastrous level of financial illiteracy in this country.

So, I was delighted to hear that Stephen Colbert devoted his “The Word” segment to Kwedit.

Here its is: “Kid Owe”

The Daily Show’s Wyatt Cenac examines Bank of America’s hidden credit card fees with a former employee and a mafia loan shark.

A seaside pier in Southwald, England, is now famous for featuring a”Whack-A-Banker” arcade game that is so popular that the mallets keep wearing out. Check the recent article on The Huffington Post.

For those of you who are not planning to spend the Holiday on the coast of Eastern England, there is an online game too, also courtesy of the Brits, at http://www.funnygames.co.uk/whack-a-banker.htm from a company called KewlBox.

You could be wearing out your mouse button, rather than a mallet.

In the spirit of making fun of a rather sad state of affairs that we are all a victim of, here is the illustration of a banker’s bonus check provided on the game site. I don’t know who to credit for this… anyway, kudos to the author: I had a really good laugh.

Just in case you are wondering: even though the PIG bank does not exist (yet), someone did snatch the Internet address pigbank.com